We're facebook friends in real life
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
