i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
