I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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