I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
