I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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