I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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