i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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