is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
