tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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