Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
