You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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