I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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