Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
handjob tips. give me some.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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