Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
