3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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