you guys were way drunker than both of me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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