There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
