I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
