FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
