Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
