You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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