sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
