If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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