matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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