ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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