just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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