I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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