Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
