This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
