When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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