I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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