so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
