Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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