why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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