I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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