I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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