She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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