The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
