Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
