the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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