Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
