its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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