Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
