When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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