covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
