i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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