I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fuck me I smell like cheese
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
