First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
