yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
