Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
