just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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