did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Did you just see the Batmobile???
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
