i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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