He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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