Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
