I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
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Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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