Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I enjoy the company of your penis
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
