Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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