I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
